Body parts R us

It’s hard to find somebody at a 50-plus high school reunion with all their original parts.

Reunions normally have rewards for the one who traveled the farthest or the person who’s been married the longest. After 40 or 50 years, they could add a prize for having the most artificial body parts. Or one for who takes the most pills.

Come to think of it, they could honor the classmate with the most diagnosed conditions.

I saw an old classmate the other day and asked him how he was doing. He said, “Well, I have all these aches and pains …”

“Oh, that’s just old age,” I said before he could provide me with a list as long as his cane.

It’s kind of revealing that folks of my generation have problems remembering things, like the names of all their grands and great-grands. On the other hand, they’ll go into great detail when it comes to their maladies.

“My eye doctor found scar tissue on my retina and sent me to a specialist, who removed it. Then there was an edema on the macula that had to be treated with drops of prednisolone acetate. …”

“I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease but my urologist said it’s only Stage 3 out of 5. That’s based on my estimated glomerular filtration rate, or eGFR, of 30-59 milliliters per minute. My eGFR puts me at Stage 3a, which is mild to moderate. He said one of the risk factors is old age so I fall into that category instead of diabetes or high blood pressure. …”

“Now, doctor what’s-his-name said there’s nothing to worry about so far as my not remembering where I put my keys. It’s part of aging, he said. But when I’m driving from the store and forget how to get home, he said, then I should consider DoorDash or GrubHub. But I’m afraid I won’t remember where I put their contact information. …”

Something we oldsters don’t seem to forget is all our medical issues. I could go into great detail about my prostate procedure, my hernia surgery, shoulder therapy, dermatological removals, cataract surgeries and multiple colonoscopies.

Oh, and there are the three hip surgeries. No, that’s not a typo — three times my hips have been violated by the scalpel.

But I won’t bore you with the details — at least not this column.

There’s nothing old guys and gals like to talk about more than their physical complaints. Next comes memories of their glory days when they were supreme athletes, beauty queens and/or geniuses in the classrooms.

Those without such grand recollections will remember fondly how healthy they were in the flower of youth. Back then we looked at old people with a hint of compassion, if not downright pity.

“My grandpa has to use a cane because his hip hurts so much.”

“Uncle Bob can’t hear worth a darn but he won’t wear his hearing aids.”

“Aunt Maude had to have her gall bladder removed.”

“I’d hate to be in my grandma’s condition. She can hardly move her arms above her head.”

Now we’re in their shoes and these days our grand-kids are probably thinking the same thoughts about us. They can’t envision being just like us in 40 or 50 years.

When I see today’s young people playing sports or enjoying other activities, they’re the epitome of strength and energy. Their bones and joints work perfectly.

Then I wonder, how many of those body parts will be replaced by the time they reach 70? 

Maybe medical science will find ways to prolong youthful vitality, sort of a modern-day fountain of youth. Let’s hope so, for their sake.

I’m just hoping we old guys and gals can stay upright and keep moving.

■ Larry Penkava, is a writer for Randolph Hub. Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.