Now & Then: Drought comes to Gopher Woods

Dear Nephew,

Since you pulled up stakes and moved to Possum View, Gopher Woods has gone completely to pot.

After your Uncle Ambrose and I left Randleman Lake to settle here last year, our new village has faced one issue after another.

First, the Tiptoe Through the Tulips Garden Club demonstrated outside the town hall when the council members gave tentative approval to a request by Jayhugh Slatnick to level the old Maynard apple orchard to make way for a mobile home park.

The gardeners appeared to be making headway with the council until a wildfire, caused by sparks from Amos Hadley’s thresher, not only destroyed the orchard but took half of Amos’s wheat crop. You could say Jayhugh got his mobile home park by default, and the gardeners were not happy.

As if tensions weren’t running high enough, our resident yankee, Lenny Yankowitz, organized a motorcycle week in our quiet little village. The riders, most from north of the Mason-Dixon Line, camped out in Herman Bailey’s cow pasture.

Gopher Woods’ only lawman, Horace “Barney” Moffitt, had to go out there at midnight to inform the bikers that their loud music was disturbing the community. “It’s like a miniature Woodstock out here,” he told them.

When the bike week ended, it took three scout troops and four civic clubs to clean up the mess they left behind.

“At least it didn’t rain, like at the other Woodstock,” said Miss Tiffany Teasdale, chairlady of the garden club.

Speaking of rain, Gopher Woods hasn’t had a soaking rain since last October. As a result, the town has been under drought conditions, with burn bans and water restrictions.

“Squirt” Sprinkle, chief of the Gopher Woods Volunteer Fire Department, reported to the town council that they were prepared to draw water from Gopher Pond, should there be a serious fire. 

Also, he said he would publicize in the Gopher Woods Gossip when firefighters planned to flush a fire hydrant so folks could bring their buckets, tubs and other containers to catch the water. Then they could water their lawns and tomato plants without getting a ticket from Barney.

Our current drought has manifested itself in other ways, not the least of which was at the Gopher Woods Founders Day 10K. The 6.2-mile run has been a staple of the celebration of our founding.

Mayor Smitty Jones traditionally fires a gun to start the race, but only after reciting a 20-minute speech recognizing the efforts of our forefathers. By the end of his oration, the runners are either half asleep or ripping off their race bibs.

This year’s 10K was held in the midst of our drought. The signature sponsor was the local Fizz-Cola distributor.

Your Uncle Ambrose was chosen to ride along with Barney in his patrol car, like a pace car. I’ll let him describe the problems that arose.

“It was pretty warm for this time of year, hitting 85 degrees with high humidity. I could tell it was affecting the runners.

“By the three-mile water stop, I saw people stopping to drink more than one cup before continuing. That made things worse for the slower runners because the water was running short.

“Me and Barney arrived at the finish line with the lead runners close behind. There was a Fizz-Cola van distributing drinks and water to the finishers.

“Then, wouldn’t you know it, they ran out of liquids. I saw a young lady who was a late finisher jogging up to the Fizz-Cola van and was told they had nothing left to drink. ‘But we have some ice,’ they told her and scooped her a double handful as she stared at them in disbelief.

“Well, the organizers couldn’t let all those runners, who had just completed 6.2 miles, perish for lack of water. So Squirt came to the rescue and opened up a nearby fire hydrant. He screwed on a spigot and runners filled their bottles and cups.

“Mayor Jones apologized to the runners for running out of liquids and told the Fizz-Cola people not to come back to Gopher Woods until they had a semi-truck loaded with drinks.”

Well, that’s the latest from Gopher Woods. We’re keeping our eyes on the weather.

Love,

Your Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria

■ Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. 

Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.