Now & Then: Man of a certain age has some thoughts for his youngers

Old age isn’t for the faint of heart. Faint of mind? Maybe.

I really shouldn’t be talking about old age. Nowadays it’s referred to as “a certain age.”

Well, I reached a certain age quite a few years ago. Along the way I’ve learned some things that I want to pass on to the younger generation.

But first, let me say that old age — excuse me, I meant a certain age — comes in stages.

There’s a time when you wake up and discover that you’re old. That’s stage one. It’s more of a determination based on age, gray hair (or no hair) and wrinkles around the eyes and mouth. At about this time, you find yourself being called mister or missus by the younger ones.

“You have a good day, Mr. Larry,” they’ll say. When I tell them they make me feel old, they reply that they’re “showing you respect,” not adding that they’ve been taught to respect their elders.

Then a while later you realize that getting up in the morning is a challenge. You learn to put that first foot on the floor gingerly and be sure to find your balance when standing.

That’s stage two.

The third stage is characterized by doctor appointments, joint replacements, cataract surgeries and regular visits to the drug store to pick up prescriptions. You find that getting dressed to be such a chore that you consider sleeping in your daytime clothes. And I don’t want to think about putting on those stinkin’ socks.

After that you think you’re as old as you’re gonna get. But then a year goes by and you find that you have less balance and more aches and pains.

More time goes by and you not only feel older but find yourself taking unscheduled naps in the middle of the day. And you begin to wonder if assisted living may not be so bad.

Believe me when I say that the stages of old age continue until, well, until …

When you get to the stage of life we call a certain age, there are steps you need to take to make life a bit easier.

When you eat at a restaurant, request the senior discount. It won’t hurt to ask, even if they don’t realize we can’t eat as much without suffering the consequences.

My wife Ginny once asked about a senior discount at the old K&W Cafeteria. (A son-in-law said K&W stood for Kanes and Walkers.) Anyway, the manager said if they gave senior discounts they wouldn’t make any money since most of their customers were of a certain age.

Being old means you have rights. When a younger somebody, seeing that you’re old, offers to help you, don’t allow your ego to take control. Just accept the offer. Life is easier when you can get help doing those things you once didn’t give a second thought.

And if you drop something on the floor in a public place, don’t take the chance of bending over to pick it up. Wait for a young someone to come along and look pitiful while staring at the object on the floor.

It’s nothing for them to bend down and grab the object. On the other hand, for you it means weighing the physics of time and distance against the likelihood of pulling certain muscles and winding up spread-eagle on the floor.

Then there’s the subject that we oldies hate to discuss in mixed company. That is, when you’re outside home be sure to know where the restrooms are. And never get too far from said restrooms.

Otherwise, dress appropriately.

I learned that Mel Brooks, director of such comedies as “Blazing Saddles” and “Young Frankenstein,” gave a talk to young people. During the question-and-answer session, someone asked Brooks if he preferred boxers or briefs. After a thoughtful pause, he said, “Depends.”

If you’re facing a certain age, be prepared. Act your age but imagine you’re still young.

Just don’t act like you’re young. It’ll get you in trouble every time.

Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub.

Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.