Now & Then: Uncle Ambrose gets out his frustrations

Dear Nephew,

Your Aunt Victoria is driving me crazy. 

To be such a practical person, your aunt isn’t immune to her own version of insanity. In a word, shopping.

Your aunt is always criticizing me for what I call my projects. For instance, the time I was planning to dig an underground bunker. “When the big crash comes, we’ll be able to survive,” I told her.

When I said I’d stock it with canned foods from the Mega Maxi Mart, your aunt replied, “Good. I hope your green beans and corn will keep you company ’cause I’m not crawlin’ into the ground with you.”

“Where’s your spirit of adventure, Vic? This’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, just like the fun you had building that 200-foot pier to the Randleman Reservoir. Then you found out there’s a 200-foot buffer all around the lake.”

“The idea was sound,” I said.

“The only sound I heard was the warden dismantling your pier,” was your aunt’s response.

Then there was the time I changed my mind about being on Facebook. Your aunt told you, “Well, it turned out your uncle could be persuaded otherwise. The game-changer was dressed in cut-off jeans and a shirt tied up in front to show off a 20-inch waistline.

“It was the new clerk at the bait shop who’s working during the summer between college semesters. Her name is Tiffany.

“If you can believe the gossip, bait sales have doubled since Tiffany joined the staff. I don’t doubt it since your Uncle Ambrose’s supply of night crawlers takes up about half the basement.”

My reasoning was “Tiffany’s opened my eyes to the benefits of social networking. She explained how my world can expand and my list of friends will mushroom.”

“What about your old buddies?” your aunt asked. “Don’t they expand your world?”

“Well, that’s just it,” I told her. “Tiffany has us all on Facebook now. We even have our own group called Tiffany’s Tuffies.”

In response, your aunt said to you, “The down side is your uncle is behind on his yard work, hasn’t washed his pickup in weeks and has let the garbage pile up.”

You may recall the time I purchased the Hollister family’s tobacco barn. Your aunt said it was where they kept their liquor still.

“It’s a known fact that the Hollisters grew a lot more corn than they did tobacco,” she told me. “You think they ate all that much cornbread, corn fritters and corn on the cob?”

“As I recall, Vic, they were partial to grits,” I replied. “And I do remember Old Lady Hollister bringing corn casseroles to wakes.”

“That’s not all the Hollisters brought with them,” your aunt said. “A good portion of their potluck came in Mason jars.”

Then she asked me, “What are you gonna do with the large copper tank?”

“Well, Vic, you could always use it for canning,” I said.

“That’s so sweet of you, dear. Problem is, I haven’t done any canning since 1968. But I have a suggestion, Am — use it to store all your big ideas.”

See how your aunt disrespects my projects? But she has her own quirks.

I check my online banking every day and regularly find that she’s used her debit card.

“What’s this $49.53 purchase from the Mega Maxi Mart?” I asked one day.

“Oh, that’s for the giant-sized monster transformer I bought for the grandson,” she said.

“Vic, our grandson is 23 years old. I don’t think he’s still playing with transformers. He’s moved on to giant-sized dually pickup trucks.”

“But this was on sale, Am. I got it for half off. It was a bargain.”

I told your aunt, “A bargain is a bargain only when you can afford it. Plus, you have to have a need for it.”

“Well,” she said, “I felt a need for the transformer. Besides, we may have a great-grandson some day.”

I responded, “I guess you can add the transformer to the spare bedroom, where you’ve already collected enough toys to supply a daycare.”

I might as well have been talking to the wall. The next day your aunt brought home an inflatable boxing dummy.

Come to think of it, that boxing dummy may come in handy when I’m ready to pull out what’s left of my hair.

Love, your Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria

■ Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. 

Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.