‘All the news that fits, we print’

Dear Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria,

The Gopher Woods Gossip has listed the top seven stories of 2024.

As you know, The Gopher Woods Gossip is our community’s finest newspaper. Well, actually, it’s our only periodical now, owing to the fact that The Village Inquirer was bought out by a major newspaper chain, which quickly closed down the local office. They said they didn’t like the Inquirer’s overriding philosophy: “No news is good news.”

Anyway, The Gopher Woods Gossip wanted to do the Top 10 stories but they have a limited budget this year.

Editor Hearst "Scoop" Greeley writes that much thought and browbeating went into the process, which, he added, came down in the end to some especially timely coin tossing.

"We want our readers to know that we take our responsibility of reporting the news very seriously," Scoop said. "That's why we have no qualms about asking the big questions, such as 'If you were a piece of heavy equipment, what would you be?'

"Remember our motto: 'A Gossip in every home and a full-page ad on every other page.' "

The top stories are listed from least important to most significant, according to Scoop and his ace reporter, Eddie Murrow.

*No. 7: Regis Phillips, head of the Gopher Woods Public Library, was cited by the Department of Homeland Security for services rendered.

Unfortunately, for reasons of national security, exactly what it was Regis did to receive the honor has been withheld until all parties involved have either died or disappeared.

“There’s no way to know for sure,” Regis said, “but it could have something to do with throwing out those old copies of Mein Kampf. It wasn’t a book burning. They were just falling apart so we tossed them.”

*No. 6: Lenny and Zelda Yankowitz were officially named Gopher Woods' resident yankees. 

The couple moved here last year from New York and immediately hit it off with the locals.

Some say it was their distinctive accents, but we're putting our money on the Yanks’ shiny new Harley-Davidson three-wheeler.

“Zelda and I want to thank youse guys from the bottom of our heart,” Lenny said. “Wait, I meant to say ‘y’aaall.’ ”

*No. 5: The Gopher Woods Lawn & Garden Center/Small Engine Repair was broken into and a large supply of fertilizer was stolen.

Federal officials suspected terrorists, who could use the chemicals in making bombs. But Odell Strubb, the proprietor, thinks it was Tiny Mann, the WWE wannabe, getting back at him for tearing down his wrestling poster.

Or, it could have been Guffy Leatherback who wanted to add weight to the back of his pickup truck so he can get more traction when he drives through muddy fields to his deer stand.

*No. 4: Smitty Jones was re-elected as mayor of Gopher Woods. 

Now in his 10th term, Smitty thanked all the "little people" for his success at the polls. But everyone knows the real reason is the fact that he's had no opposition the past six elections. Nobody else wants to hear the complaints that come with being the titular head of Gopher Woods. For his part, Smitty just ignores any criticism directed at him.

*No. 3: Gopher Creek overflowed, backing up into Slim Elwood's salet patch and interrupting a Bobby Joe Tremble outhouse reading session.

"This is a season's work down the drain," Slim said.

"This is a session's work down the drain," Bobby Joe said.

*No. 2: Zeke Hill, Gopher Wood's oldest resident, marked his 99th year.

Crediting an "easy disposition" for his long life, Zeke recalled the time there was no Gopher Woods on the map.

"When I was a boy, this was a thicket for moonshiners," Zeke said. "Nothin's changed much."

*No. 1: Waylon Haggard’s hayfield caught fire and the flames lit up the sky for miles around. 

The hay crop was completely destroyed but Waylon came out just fine. He built a road through the middle of the field, marked off lots and designed a residential subdivision.

“I’m calling it Hayfield Homes,” said Waylon of his new enterprise. “Like I always say, you gotta make hay while the sun shines.”

Love,

Your nephew

Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.