Culture in the hay fields

Dear Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria,

The folks in Gopher Woods have decided we're going to be the Paris of Central North Carolina.

“It’s time,” said spinstress Lula Swarthmore, “to shed our hayseed image. It’s time to embrace culture.”

She was holding forth at the latest meeting of the Gopher Woods Town Council. As mayor pro tem, Lula often tries to define the town’s course and, coincidentally, drive Mayor Smitty Jones mad.

“But Lula, er, Ms. Swarthmore, Gopher Woods is smack dab in the middle of hundreds of acres of hay fields,” Smitty said. “Hay is what makes our economy go.”

“That doesn’t mean we have to be looked down on by our neighbors in Siler City and Denton as bumpkins,” Lula countered. “I’d prefer to have the reputation of being an island of art in a sea of pasturage.”

“I like the concept,” said Agnes Applegate, headmistress of Gopher Woods Academy. “It fits right in with the mission of our school, which is to elevate the minds of our youth.”

“I think you mean ‘elevate the noses of your rich kids,’ ” interjected Guffy Leatherback, retired drill sergeant. “Give me an hour with ’em and I’ll show ’em what it’s like to be elevated.”

Smitty pounded his gavel at the ensuing general outburst. “Let’s keep it civil, ladies and gentlemen. Now Lula, er, Ms. Swarthmore, be more specific as to what you’re driving at.”

“Thanks, mayor. What I had in mind was turning our drab village into a shining beacon of art, cuisine and music. It could center on the old mill down at Gopher Creek.”

"That old mill is falling in," said Stump Forester, a saw miller and most recent member of the town board. "It's just a matter of time before it's a pile of timbers."

"Then let's tear it down and build a kayak and raft launch ramp," Lula suggested.

"Oh, you mean like a whitewater adventure?" Stump asked. "A kayak might make it down to the river after a big rain. I doubt you could get a rubber raft in there without it touching both banks. It'd be more like a bridge that a water craft."

"How ’bout tube floating?" asked Squirt Sprinkle. "That's what we used to do when I was a kid — wait, maybe the last time was in July."

Nadine Gunch, president of the Tiptoe Through the Tulips Garden Club, was so excited she could hardly sit still. "I love the idea, Lula. I can see Gopher Woods as the garden spot of the Piedmont."

Odell Strubb, proprietor of the Gopher Woods Lawn & Garden/Cycle Shop/Furniturama, chimed in for Lula. "I think I know what you're gettin' at," he said. "You're wantin' to bring visitors here to spend money. Am I right?"

"Well, that would be a part of it, but my focus is on the cultural aspect," she responded.

"Yeah, I could expand my business and offer angus burgers and root beer," Odell said. "And maybe ask Slim Elwood and his bluegrass band to play on Friday nights."

Tiny Mann, the pro wrestler wannabe who's settled into a bricklaying career, offered to build brick columns on either side of the highway leading into town. "On one side would be 'Gopher Woods,' " Tiny said, "and on the other side would be 'Where Culture Grows.' "

"That makes us sound like a laboratory," Smitty noted. 

Lenny and Zelda Yankowitz, the resident yankees, were in the audience waiting to speak against the agenda item recommending a noise ordinance for Harleys, of which they were regular riders. 

"Hey youse guys, I once worked for a butcher in upstate New York," Lenny said. "I think I could open a deli."

"What'ja do for the butcher, hose down his floor?" Guffy asked.

"I can do that, too," Lenny said.

"OK, so far we've got tube floating, flowers, a burger joint, bluegrass music and a meat shop," Smitty summarized. "To me that sounds like what Gopher Woods already is."

The air was filled with murmurings of "Oh, yeah," "He's right" and "I'll be darned."

Squirt broke the gloom with one more suggestion: "I know what, y'all, let's have a Hay Festival."

Love,

Your Nephew 

Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.