Now & Then: Hey, buddy, can you spare a mil?

Somebody wants to give me lots of money. Well, actually, somebody wants to loan me lots of money.

They’ve been calling me incessantly for weeks, maybe months, to let me know that I’ve been approved for loans between $25,000 and $75,000.

I know this because, even though I don’t answer the phone when they call, they’re good at leaving messages on my voicemail.

The reason I don’t answer is because, inexplicably, when the number comes up it’s accompanied with the message, “SUSPECTED SPAM.”

Go figure.

Anyway, why not let the caller(s) tell you what it’s all about. 

Just today, Jan. 12, I received two calls/messages, the first at 11:10 a.m. and the other at 11:31 a.m. Both messages were the same, as though they were the same audio tape.

The messages greeting me were by Ellie Keller or Kelley, not sure of the last name. Then Ellie said, on both messages, “I’m giving you a quick call from the Approval Division. I see here that we were able to get you prequalified for a debt consolidation loan of up to $65,000 with a low monthly payment of $500 per month. Funds are being allocated fast so I encourage you to act quickly.

“Call me as soon as you get this at 315-208-3870, once again 315-208-3870. Looking forward to our conversation.”

I found it strange that Ellie gave me that number to call her back since the first call she made was from 866-602-7707 and the second call was from 833-398-7546. I guess the call-back number is her direct line, or something.

Like I said before, I’ve been getting these calls for weeks and they’re from various callers besides Ellie. They first had pre-qualified me for about $20,000 or $30,000 but the number has quickly gone up to as much as $75,000.

I told my brother Ron, who is a retired accountant, about these phone calls and he suggested that I call them back and ask for a million bucks.

I like the idea. Maybe I’ll take him up on it and ask them for a million dollar debt consolidation loan, lamenting that “I’ve really gotten behind on my bills. And am I locked in for the $500 a month payback?”

Even as I write this, Ellie has called me again and left the same message. This time it’s 4:04 p.m. and the number she’s calling from is different, 855-583-6799, but the number she wants me to call her back on remains 315-208-3870.

I guess Ellie really missed me, especially since I didn’t return her call.

“Why doesn’t Larry call? I was really looking forward to our conversation. I might even have considered raising the loan limit.”

Nice try, Ellie, but since I don’t have any outstanding debts, there’s no reason for me to borrow money to pay them off.

It’s kind of like when I used to get calls, and letters, wanting me to renew the warranty on my car. The problem was, the car they were talking about had been totaled a few years before in a multi-car accident.

My wife Ginny would get the same calls. Once she answered and told them the car was in the junk yard and was no longer registered.

“They wanted me to verify it for them,” Ginny told me. “That’s not my job. They can just keep wasting their time and postage sending their notices.”

I thought about calling Ellie to explain that I no longer was in debt. But I was afraid she’d want me to send her my bank statements for the past 10 years.

I could at least let her know that she was the inspiration for my latest column.

Hmm. Maybe that’s not a good thing.

■ Larry Penkava, is a writer for Randolph Hub. 

■ Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.