Now & Then: Slim pickin's in Gopher Woods

Dear Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria,

A string of burglaries in Gopher Woods ended last week with the arrest of two out-of-town ex-cons.

The arrest was announced by the county sheriff, who lauded our only police officer in Gopher Woods — Horace “Barney” Moffitt — for his courageous part in apprehending the men. 

Barney’s initial role in the matter involved radioing the county dispatcher after he found the suspects’ pickup double-parked on Elm Street in front of Slim Elwood’s modest shack. Barney called to have the truck towed in violation of Code 438, “illegal parking on a public thoroughfare.”

When the tow truck arrived to hitch the pickup, the two burglars were just leaving Slim’s house. They saw the commotion and tried to flee, but Barney happened to be walking through the grape arbor looking for some ripe muscadines just as the men were about to escape through the pergola.

There was an ensuing heap of humanity, with Barney on top and the two perps knocked unconscious after slipping on some of Barney’s muscadines. Conspicuous to the veteran law officer was the bag of burglary tools.

Barney drew his revolver and called in backup from the Sheriff’s Department. The subsequent search of the men’s abode turned up a raft of stolen items reported over a two-week period.

Since Slim was working at the time of the incident, he was called home to report any missing items. What he eventually discovered was something of a blow to his ego.

After the initial sweep by crime scene investigators, Slim was allowed to enter his bachelor hovel. Despite cautions by the officers that the place was ransacked, Slim didn’t see anything out of order.

He did find one thing that was unusual — a piece of paper on the kitchen table. Slim picked it up and realized it was the letter from his landlord asking him “for the third and final time” to “please clean up the place or face eviction proceedings.”

But that’s not what caught Slim’s eye. On the back side of the letter was a freshly written note.

“Dear Occupant,” the note began. “You don’t know me but I came to steal from you.

“Just to let you know, your house is the biggest disappointment me and my partner have had since we’ve been in the business. If we gave grades for places we’ve burgled, yours would get an ‘F.’

“We deal mostly in electronics, jewelry and guns. So finding your gun chest filled with bean shooters was a downer right off the bat.

“Then we noticed the big TV in the living room. It’s really nice — if you like light-brown, wood-grain RCA console models from 1963.

“Imagine our dashed hopes when we opened up the big plastic storage container marked ‘games.’ Parcheesi, Chinese checkers, Twister and Ouija boards don’t bring that much at the pawn shop.

“Then we found the Sharpie-lettered cardboard box — ‘valuable and important papers.’ Just what makes you think Monopoly money is ‘valuable and important’?

“Oh, and what’s the sentimental value you place on the cheap copy of a no-name watch in your top dresser drawer? I know it must have a place in your heart because the stem is broken and you’ll never have it on your wrist.

“One more thing: The iron bed is a nice touch. I suggest you use Rustoleum to tone down the red.

“We enjoyed the tour of your lovely home. Unfortunately, we don’t deal in antiques.

“Your personal burglars.

“PS: We recommend that you follow the instructions on the reverse side of this letter.

“PPS: Please look for the $20 bill under the salt shaker. You need it worse than we do.”

All Slim could say was, “I hate it when burglars leave a checklist.”

Love,

Your Nephew

■ Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. 

Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.