Where’s Einstein when you really need him?

Let’s face it. Life is a race against time, space and gravity.

And let’s not forget those hated villains: Arthritis, cataracts and toenail fungus.

Time is a friend to youth. A young man believes he can live dangerously because, after all, he’s going to live forever.

A kid of 6 or 8 years old yearns to be older so he or she can have the freedom to do more things. Aging, to them, is something to die for, so to speak.

Then, around the age of 40, reality hits and the countdown begins. “Hm, if I’m middle aged, I have about 40 more years to live. I’m over the hill.”

Then, after retirement, time takes a backseat. You don’t have to get up early or rush to meet deadlines. Well, except for all those medical appointments. And remembering when you’re supposed to take that pill.

If Ginny and I are in a restaurant and the waitress apologizes for our orders taking so long, I just say, “That’s OK. We’re retired.”

Then again, there’s the countdown: “Humph. Another birthday, another year closer to the finish line.”

Space is a relative term. A farmer requires a lot more space than, say, a writer.

A kid can sleep in a small space while an adult needs more room.

A newlywed couple doesn’t require a large bed. But a few decades later, they gotta have a king size bed so they can spread out and still have a demilitarized zone in the middle.

After a certain age, people realize they need to downsize. Ginny and I have downsized twice during the past seven years.

We look at our space and decide we don’t want to keep cleaning all that space. So we find something smaller and find that we don’t have enough space for all the junk we’ve collected.

That’s what yard sales are for. Not to mention putting stuff at the curb for the city to pick up, unless somebody beats them to it.

Gravity gets stronger as we age. To illustrate, when I was in my early 20s, I had a 33-inch vertical leap. Today, it approximates 3.3 inches.

That’s because as we get older our anti-gravity powers recede. Gravity has a stronger hold on us, pulling us down, pulling our flabby midriffs down, pulling down those loose fleshy areas under the biceps and the neck.

When you reach a certain age, you bend down and gravity keeps you down for a prolonged period. Remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”?

It’s gravity, a force that pulls us down more as we age.

Then there are those maladies that prefer old people. I had my first of three hip surgeries when I was 62. They were the result of osteoarthritis.

Ol’ Arthur often waits around until we’re old to raise his hoary head. He lets us wear out those joints and then attacks. 

I once had a landlord who was a retired farmer. His hands were gnarled with arthritis. He told me they were injured when he was young but arthritis took hold when he was old.

I learned recently that I have cataracts that need to be removed. Guess what. Cataracts tend to affect older people. More on that in a future column.

Then there’s toenail fungus. It’s not a pretty sight. I know because I have toenail fungus.

I looked up what causes toenail fungus and the first risk factor was age.

Who'da thunk?

While I’m on the subject of toenails, here’s a thought. When you reach a certain age it’s much more difficult to trim those suckers.

I’ve tried various positions, such as sitting on the floor, using a low stool and bending over from a stair step. All of them fail my comfort test.

It’s so hard to reach the clippers down to each toenail that I’m obligated to take a 10-minute rest between clips. Funny how my arms have gotten shorter while my legs have lengthened.

I know what you’re thinking: Go get a pedicure. 

Are you kidding? I have toenail fungus.

All these time, space and gravity problems suggest answers from someone like Albert Einstein.

I wonder if Einstein had toenail fungus.

It’s a question for the ages.

Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com.